I have been thinking about the imprints one leaves on the lives of others.  We don’t always realize to what extent we are all connected.  The way we communicate with the people in our lives can impact them immensely.  Our spouses and children are at an even greater risk of being broken or uplifted by our actions toward them.  Friends can also react in unexpected ways. 

Of the friends and acquaintances I had in high school, I am not proud of all my decisions regarding them.  Looking back, I wish I had kept certain people as friends, and had not even bothered trying to fit in with others.  I was confused and disoriented as a young freshman, and I didn’t see the magnitude of my everyday actions.  Unfortunately, I lost some great friends in the process of self-discovery.  I wonder if my friendship would have saved them from their own misguided actions.  We could have saved each other, and instead we fought alone.  There are certain people I still miss and wonder what if?

But wondering what if cannot solve the past.  Yet, it is hard not to feel regret for lost relationships.  I only have the future to change, and remembering the past can help change it for the good.

-Tanya 

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Leaving Imprints

I often deprive myself of things I want, and even things I need, as a punishment to myself for my failures.  But in my eyes, I fail at life.  My high standards leave me depleted when I never seem to reach them.  I am trying to stop repeating this pattern.  It is bad enough that as a human I sin on a daily basis, but I can’t keep punishing myself for my imperfections.  Instead, I should focus on the future and moving closer to God through reconciliation.  It is not healthy to treat myself so horribly.  If  I don’t respect myself, why should anyone else?  I have to love me in order to give love.  Always trying to give love where it doesn’t exist is a lost cause.  Punishing myself is destroying my soul.  I must pray for the strength and be uplifted through God alone.  If I am not happy, I cannot bring happiness into my home.  As the rock of care at home, I must force myself to treat myself like I would Jesus or any other being.  It is hard to change my view of myself, but I will keep on trying.

-Tanya

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Self-Punishment

As a family, we support many monasteries, abbeys, and convents through purchases and donations.  They pray through the work of their hands.  Whether it be baking breads, making fudge, or roasting coffee, they are in service to the Lord.  I should look at my work at home the same way.  It might be folding laundry, running the dishwasher, or making lunch, but it all should be done for the Lord.  I often forget that it is not meaningless, but meaningful.  I am even blessed enough to be the main caregiver of my beautiful boy.  As others look upon my situation, they may act as though I am wasting my talents, but every moment Linus is putting my skills to the test.  I have found places inside me and become someone I never would have imagined.  Though I still have many of the same faults, I also have grown in other ways.

Being a wife and mother are my vocations, just like the monks in the monasteries have their vocations.  By praying through my work, I am a living prayer.  My work is more closely knit to God’s will, and the little tasks are seen more vividly as blessings of time.  I do not always remember this and may get off track, but I hope to work on this aspect to become more holy in life.

-Tanya

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Prayer through Good Works

Everyday we watch the clock, counting down the minutes to 5:00 p.m. Friday.  Why do we wish away the precious time we have here on earth?  We so willingly let time pass by watching too much TV, playing video games, or searching the internet.  Slowing down is difficult in this world.  We are naturally put on a fast track and expected to do the unfeasible.  We are not super heroes, we cannot do superhuman things; we are lowly servants of the Lord.  Through humility we find our way home.  God does not expect great things of us, but only our hearts.  He wants us to please him as a child would his father. 

Even while I was writing this post, it got erased.  God was telling me to start again.  I had to humble myself and begin again with him working through me.  Just as I have to take time out during my day of work to nurse or comfort my toddler.  He keeps me real and taking breaks to nurse him is a blessing for my type A personality.  I am reminded of my humanity through my weaknesses.  Feeling defeated at the end of the day makes me feel worthless.  Continually I have to drive into my head that I am not Super Woman, but a wife, mother, and child of God.  My high expectations are more than he would ask of me. 

I push myself too hard and end up feeling less than a person.  My feelings get in the way of seeing time as a gift and not a curse.  In a way, I set myself up for failure.  If I plan to fail, then I will feel like a failure.  If I plan to use my time through God, then he will rejoice with me.

-Tanya

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Watching the Clock

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.“
-Henry David Thoreau

Ironically, this quote is what I chose to be listed under my senior picture in the high school yearbook.  I am only scraping the surface and finally discovering what this quote means for me.  The more I actively I live my life, the more deliberate it becomes.  By planning, life becomes less chaotic and more focused.  I always thought planning would make life too constricted, but the truth is, without a plan I was committing myself to failure.  There was never an end to the chores, and there was never time for what I wanted to do.  Deliberately making some type of schedule allows for flexibility and a more accomplished feeling.  I can choose to get the laundry done today, and then if there is time, do the vacuuming.  But as long as the laundry is done, I will feel like today’s work is complete.  These thoughts are what I try to tell myself now.  The nagging of chores is less overpowering when there is an end to today’s list and a new list for tomorrow.  

By living for today, I waste less time and energy worrying about the things to come.  Now, is all that matters.  I am more in control of the day and my life, instead of just following the current and letting life push me along.  This is my life, and I need to start living it.

-Tanya

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Life Quote