We are all trying to find a place to fit in.  Some of us seem secure and comfortable with our surroundings, while others struggle to survive on the outside.  I once thought I had a high self-esteem, but now I am not so sure.  An overachiever and an offbeat at best, or a beatnik and weirdo in the eyes of others, I didn’t seem to care what other people thought, but that’s probably because they were already the ones I was living for. 

I strived to be noticed through my grades and stand out in some unique way.  But at the end of the day, I was exhausted pleasing everyone else.  The person I should have been pleasing was God.  This world has a way of controlling us and our feelings.  What I thought mattered, really didn’t.  What I should have been feeling was so far hidden for myself to even find.  We hold on to things as a way to feel real and meaningful in this world, like us being here makes a difference.  But truthfully, through our relationship with God is the only way to leave a lastly impression in his heart and those we love.  The opposite seems to happen again and again until we figure out that we are doing something wrong.  We do not run the world, but easily it can control us.  If we left God be in control of our lives, we will be more fulfilled, loving, and needed.

God will help us to feel things we have longed for, and we will be able to do things we never thought possible.  He has already given us the skills we need to be the persons we are capable of.  Looking for his guidance will further give us definition and security in who we were meant to be.

-Tanya

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Who We Are

Things:
Fleeting
passing
finite.

God:
Loving
lasting
infinite.

It is not hard to choose.
The latter will be sure to sanctify.

-Tanya

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Finding Out What Matters

Since the season of winter is resulting in snow and nasty weather, my days out have decreased in number.  Though, it has become a blessing in disguise and I have enjoyed myself more by having a longer length of reflection at one time.  This longer span of time gives me more time to focus and digest all the thoughts that God throws at me.  I can go through my week and enjoy my time with Linus knowing that I will have my time at the end of it.  It gives me comfort to know that I have something to look forward to and not just endless days of toddler interaction.

Over the summer, it was an hour here or there, but since Linus is older and can go longer without nursing, I can take a chunk of hours for me.  I find this ‘me’ time has slowly been evolving over the course through this website.  I am sure it will change as life does, but right now, I am enjoying this once a week time.  My husband is caring enough to support me and give me the freedom to enjoy myself.  Spending so much time caring for others often leaves me without the strength to care for me.  Carving out the time is a step in the right direction for strengthening my self-esteem, spirit, and life.  I am able to fulfill and renew my soul during this block of hours with whatever  I choose I need.  Usually, it is hours on end at a Starbucks with coffee and a sweet treat.  Since my time is more compact, I have decided to make it more special by splurging on a baked good to go with my coffee.  Plus, if I do it as a separate transaction, it counts as another star for our Starbucks Rewards! 

I have kept track of what baked goods I have tried, so that way, I get something new each time.  This list started last week, so this week it was the blueberry scone.  I guess I am on a scone kick.  I reward my boys for ‘me’ time by bringing them home a special dinner feast bought with coupon deals (sometimes a combination of them).  Right now, this schedule is working for our family.

-Tanya

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Mommy's Day Out

I have been thinking about the imprints one leaves on the lives of others.  We don’t always realize to what extent we are all connected.  The way we communicate with the people in our lives can impact them immensely.  Our spouses and children are at an even greater risk of being broken or uplifted by our actions toward them.  Friends can also react in unexpected ways. 

Of the friends and acquaintances I had in high school, I am not proud of all my decisions regarding them.  Looking back, I wish I had kept certain people as friends, and had not even bothered trying to fit in with others.  I was confused and disoriented as a young freshman, and I didn’t see the magnitude of my everyday actions.  Unfortunately, I lost some great friends in the process of self-discovery.  I wonder if my friendship would have saved them from their own misguided actions.  We could have saved each other, and instead we fought alone.  There are certain people I still miss and wonder what if?

But wondering what if cannot solve the past.  Yet, it is hard not to feel regret for lost relationships.  I only have the future to change, and remembering the past can help change it for the good.

-Tanya 

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Leaving Imprints

I often deprive myself of things I want, and even things I need, as a punishment to myself for my failures.  But in my eyes, I fail at life.  My high standards leave me depleted when I never seem to reach them.  I am trying to stop repeating this pattern.  It is bad enough that as a human I sin on a daily basis, but I can’t keep punishing myself for my imperfections.  Instead, I should focus on the future and moving closer to God through reconciliation.  It is not healthy to treat myself so horribly.  If  I don’t respect myself, why should anyone else?  I have to love me in order to give love.  Always trying to give love where it doesn’t exist is a lost cause.  Punishing myself is destroying my soul.  I must pray for the strength and be uplifted through God alone.  If I am not happy, I cannot bring happiness into my home.  As the rock of care at home, I must force myself to treat myself like I would Jesus or any other being.  It is hard to change my view of myself, but I will keep on trying.

-Tanya

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Self-Punishment